what's in a word?

 — by Blue


[ TRIGGER WARNING ]

if you repeatedly say the same word over and over and over again, you'll soon end up in a situation where you'd see that word as nothing but nonsense. it has now turned into nothing more than a lump of letters grouped together to form this thing that you used to mean what you had in your head, until than meaning disappeared. after that, you start to question its existence. you start to doubt its credibility. you start to doubt whether its even real. 


people say those quotes every time. 


"if you say the same thing again and again, after a few tried it'll lose its meaning." 


... like sorry. apologies are one of the things almost always attached to this saying making it deeper than the simple mind games you put yourself in to because you decided you wanted to be silly and so you said the word "garage" like a hundred times... maybe more. 


thank you sounds a nice example as well. if you say thank you a couple of times, you'd soon realize that its meaning is not enough. you need something bigger, but then you can't find anything else so instead you repeat them again. after that, embarrassment rushes in because you feel silly again. it doesn't sound as meaningful as you want it. 


don't even start with promises. let's not dwell there quite yet. 


but why is it that when i say 

die...

die...

die...

die...


over...

and over...

and over...

again

and again...


why is it that the meaning of that word never goes away? no matter how much i say it, instead of getting weaker it only grows bigger and bigger until i realize i really meant what i said. and i cry because saying it over and over again doesn't make want to stop thinking about it, rather it only makes me want it to happen. 


why is that?


that's not good. 

that's not how it's supposed to be. 


i don't understand at all. 

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