FLIPPING THE TABLES IN A STORM

 

— by Blue

[ trigger warning: mentions of suicide ]

I could still recall all the moments where my heart felt like it would explode. Those were the moments that most people would have expected me to scream and speak my mind, but I did the opposite. I silenced myself while my brain continued to shout and shout with a voice that never got tired. It was only my heart that grew weary, aging before the years took its toll.

I am neither young nor old. The years that I have behind me are too green for anyone to call me old. Yet my world is too gray, too morbid to be compared with ambitious youngsters living their youth.

My phone rang an alarm that sounded more like a warning than a simple notification. I used to think of this sound to be the same as my favorite music I would always request on the radio. But before I knew it, it became more like the sound used in horror movies. The ones that scare you into a jump scare.

I wonder when everything changed to be that way.

 “Hello,” I said. My voice sounded neither confident nor scared. It was just indifferent.

“When are you going to come home?” the person on the other line asked.

“In a bit,” I said.

There was a pause as if they needed to appear like they were thinking. Perhaps they’re taking time to decide whether to worry about me to make it seem like they care or yell at me and make it seem like it’s all my fault. Whichever they pick, it’ll result in the same thing. I would feel bad and I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it, not even when I wake up in the morning from a supposedly good night’s sleep.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be there soon.”

I hung up before they could answer.

In times like this it is better to make the first move and throw them a ball they aren’t ready to catch. Best to leave them unguarded so they wouldn’t know how to react.

“Who was that?” the man sitting beside me asked.

My face lit up its most perfected smile and shook my head as if I was dispelling an assumption they hadn’t even said out loud.

“Just someone I know,” I said. “I kinda forgot that I promised we’d meet today. But it’s fine. It’s not that urgent anyway.”

“Ate you sure?”

I nod, still smiling.

“If you say so.” He smiled back at me. It looked so carefree and light like I didn’t have to worry because he wouldn’t make me say things I wouldn’t.

I feel sorry for bringing out that smile with a lie. But I couldn’t accept the truth as the reality either.

How can I say that I have a house but I don’t have a home? How can I say that I’m living with someone and yet I am alone? They’re all nonsense that I don’t even want to put into actual words because again, all these truths would turn into my inevitable reality. It would mean my life is sealed.

“Where did you say you worked again?” he asked. I could practically feel my heart tug at the kind attempt to change the subject.

“You might not believe me, but I’m an actress.” My tone turned out playful just as I planned, swishing the contents of my cocktail as I avoided eye contact. The smile on my face was still there. “I finished with my last day of filming today. That’s why I am here with you to celebrate.”

I clinked our glasses together and then drank the last remaining sips of my drink in one gulp. Talk about showing how of an alcoholic I could be.

“What kind of movie is it?” he asked.

The alcohol burned in my stomach, stilling me at the moment as if I were melting inside and out. I did not expect that he would take it seriously.

It was true that I acted. I go through a lot of auditions every day to fill in all the empty hours of my life. It makes me feel fulfilled even though I never get to play any major roles. It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile when the truth is I’m not.

But he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t need to.

Here, in this place where I’m just a tipsy little lady, I can be the nameless mysterious actress that he doesn’t need to truly know.

So, like I always do, I lie. But not fully. I use the truth to spin my fraudulent stories. He wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

“I think it’s a romance movie? Some drama as well. I couldn’t tell where the director was going through with it at the start. What I’m sure of is that it’s definitely not a romantic comedy.” I laugh after saying comedy like it’s part of the stage directions. All part of the script someone must have written for me. I follow every word.

This should’ve been where someone shouts ‘cut’ and I’d stop smiling and laughing. But without those cues, I couldn’t. I could feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I wipe them away, catching my breath.

Those were happy tears, I told myself. It was important to have reminders about where the story was headed or else I would get lost in a scene that no one wanted to happen.

“What’s your role? Wait, don’t tell me. I’ll guess.” He placed his finger on his chin to look like he was thinking. I watched, urging him to try the impossible. “Right! You would fit the perfect image of a leading lady. The heroine.”

“Aw, how sweet of you,” I said. He was so far off. “Anyway, the story’s mostly the same with how it usually goes. Girl falls in love. Guy falls in love. They get on with each other and live happily ever after.”

“Supposedly, right?”

A mischievous glint passed my clouded eyes. “That’s right. Supposedly.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to spoil you the details before it’s released. That’ll be against the contract,” I teased. True words hiding beneath pure pretense.

There was no story to tell, only tales to twist.

“Well, I guess I’d have to look forward to it then.”

He motioned the bartender to fill my now empty glass. Is he paying for my drink?

I raised one of my eyebrows in immediate response. He didn’t see, and I’m glad for that. I hope he’s paying for this. I don’t have any cash left. 

“Thanks,” I said, hoping that it’d pass off the message that this one was on him.

“You’re welcome,” was his ever-so-casual reply. Charming. “So, may I know the title of this movie we’re talking about?”

I stifled another laugh as I sipped the new round of cocktail .

“Can’t,” I said.

“Why not?”

“I forgot.”

“You forgot the title of the movie you’d be starring in?” he asked.

I nodded, sipping the drink again and not looking at him. I don’t want to see his stupid surprised Pikachu face. It’s all cute when you picture it in your head. It’s not when you know that they think you’re stupid while looking at you like that.

I sighed. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he replied. “What about?”

“Let’s just say it’s from the movie I’m starring in.”

He smiled. “Okay.”

“I don’t get how my character is supposed to act in this one scene. I know we’re done filming, but I still feel like I did something wrong. So I need someone else’s opinion, you know, for self-improvement.”

He waited in silence, urging me to continue.

“If someone said they’d die without you in their life, what would you do?”

There was a long silence between us. I could hear the clinking of the ice in each of our glasses. The music in the room felt louder as well. His thinking was so loud I could practically hear it from where I sat.

“It’s hard, isn’t it?”

“It is.”

We both tried to smile but couldn’t seem to make it more than a small twitch of our lips. It makes me want to laugh again, but then it would turn out dry and grim.

“Are you dating anyone right now?” I asked.

He was taken aback by the sudden question. “Wow! I didn’t think we’d get to this topic that quickly.”

I wish I could go along with his jokes, but I don’t exactly have enough time left. “It’s still about the movie.”

“Right, right. The movie,” he said. I doubt he believes me. “I used to.”

“Did you ever tell them you’d kill yourself if you’re left all alone?”

He was looking at me. I could never look at him.

“I wouldn’t,” was his only reply.

That was enough to make me smile for real.

“I consider that girl lucky.” I grabbed my purse and got up, ready to go. Ready to run. “Anyway, thanks for the thought. I think I know what I’ll do in the heroine’s shoes now.”

“What would you do?”

“Wouldn’t it be movie-worthy to pull the trigger before anyone could? Just leave the scene with a bang. Then, boom!”

_____________ Thank you so much for reading ^^