SNOWFLAKE

 

— by Blue

There's something about the changing of the seasons that makes everything feel new at the same time that it also feels so nostalgic. The feeling of the passing autumn still lingers within my soul as streaks of red dawn in memory as if it's already so distant with the falling snow littering my feet. But then the memory of the last Christmas came to mind and that's just the past coming back. It's magical and complicated, just like how it's supposed to be. 

I wish coming back to doing what I once did was also that magical to dwell in. Right now, it only seems to be getting more painful and painful by the day. 

My mom asked if I could just try skating again. It was so out of the blue. I didn't even know what to say I only nodded. I can't think straight when I'm startled like that. As my mother, I believe she knows that more than anyone.

It's been two years since I quit skating. My mom asked me why. My sister also asked me why. All the girls and guys on the team asked me what happened and if I was right in the head. I even doubted the possibility of experiencing a head injury to inflict such a decision. 

Coach was the only one who didn't say anything. She nodded at me as I said with a silent and emotionless voice, "I can't skate anymore." 

I was fine. I didn't get into any accident. My body was fit and my limbs weren't damaged. I could do the routines like normal and probably even nail all the stunts the other girls couldn't. Everyone had that confidence that I could do it, which I also once believed. It's like a thing to be expected. 

Lily can do it. She always does.

But at that moment I knew that I wouldn't be able to do a thing. I wouldn't be able to balance on the ice and I would be like a toddler stumbling on the cold every time. It wouldn't be pretty. 

I could have explained that feeling to Coach as a plea. But all I said were those four words. "I couldn't skate anymore." I just can't.

I wonder what she would say when I get back on the rink again. I dread the possibilities as the last period went on at a pace I didn't want it to. For the first time, Math was way faster than I would like it to be. Sounds like flowers will bloom in the middle of the snow. 

I could always just skip if I really wanted to. I'd get off of Math class and spend time in the arcade before going home. It'll make it look like I went to practice when in fact I didn't. 

But I know it wouldn't be that easy. Mom specifically phoned Coach and my other skating buddies to check up on me. Then I wouldn't have any chance to deny. Lying wasn't one of my strengths in the first place. 

I felt a tap on my shoulder as I slumped my arms on the desk. The Math teacher was still going on and on about polygons and drawing illustrations on the board so I looked behind and stared at the person sitting there. 

It was one of the girls from the team. She was smiling at me, wide-eyed and white teeth all shown. It was obvious she already knew. 

"I'm glad you're back," she whispered. 

I felt myself shudder in anxiety. 

That's it. I'm bailing.

I immediately stood up to leave when the bell rang. I didn't wait to waste my chances of running away. 

But of course, a rusty athlete like me is no much for the active eager beaver that's all hyper on the idea of me coming back. She caught on to me before I could exit the door, grabbing my hand to pull me back. 

"Let's go together," she suggested. 

I smiled politely to hide my plan. "You can go ahead. I'll head over to the restroom first."

"Oh, then I'll come with. I could always wait for you outside. Like always do."

Right. We did do that before. I already forgot. 

"Uh, no!" I kind of shouted which scared her a bit. I continued, hoping to fix the damage. "It's all right. You don't have to. It'll take a while. I know how Coach can get a little picky about being late. I wouldn't want to keep you. Besides, I'm a returnee so I don't think I'm gonna be needed that much by the team."

She quietly weighed her options while I prayed silently for her to budge. I sighed in relief when she finally did. 

"Okay. I'll see you there then!" And she went off, that sickening smile still on her face. 

I ran like a prey in the wild. 

I said I was going to the arcade but thought better than get caught by the other nosy kids that are going to be there. I decided to take a little walk instead. Just a peaceful stroll by the sunset. Nothing suspicious to look at here. 

It's been cold enough to leave piles of snow by the sidewalk. The benches are all white and I had to stop myself from sitting there. It's all ice and snow. 

How ironic that I tried to run away from the ice rink just to end up here where I'm surrounded by it. The cold. The whiteness. The slippery slopes. Everything that is winter all of which I tried to avoid. How can you even run away from an entire season? Unless I flee to another country, I knew I didn't have a chance. But I at least didn't want to see it actually engulfing the town. 

Yet here I am, staring so intently at the snowflakes falling amidst the sun. Enticed by the sparkle of the crystalline lake in front of me. It looked all frozen over. It's like a big mirror reflecting the setting sun and its fiery glow. 

I knew I was gullible. I knew how weak I was at persuasion. 

I said yes to a club activity I already threw away. I said yes to my gut when it said it was scared and it wants to run away. Now I'm saying yes to the stupid and ironic idea of testing the ice of the lake with my worn-out old skates. 

I knew it was unsafe. I knew that the ice could break with my weight. I wasn't stupid enough to not know. I was just stupid enough to say yes to my senses and the luring lake beneath me. 

Before I knew it, I was swimming in cold water under the solid entrapment that stopped me from going back to the surface, My skates felt heavy, dragging me down the lakebed. I tried to struggle until I gave up because it was useless. How could I even save myself? Who would even save me? 

Then, I fell asleep, the frost seeping through as well as the numbness that ate my whole 

When I woke up, my mom was by my side. She was asleep. 

When I woke up, I was sure I wasn't supposed to have been. Not ever. 

Then it all went back to me. How happy I was to be alone on the ice. No one watching. No one cheering me on. It was just me until I was glad that there was an end. 

Now I am faced with a beginning I don't know how to start.

thanks for reading ^^